Posts Tagged ‘sudden death’
When Death Comes Suddenly
Some types of death we prepare for. If we have an elderly person in our life, one who has lived a good, long life and may be experiencing some health challenges that typically come with old age, then we may well be thinking about the possibility they will die. This type of death fits into the ‘natural order’ of life, and even if we don’t want it, we tend to accept that it is inevitable.
Similarly, we can prepare for death by illness or a chronic, deteriorating condition. We know this is happening and we have time to take action to give ourselves and the dying person some sense of completion as their time comes to an end.
Sudden, unexpected death is quite different. It’s really quite impossible to prepare for, and tends to leave us with a very different experience of grief. It’s important to note that sudden and unexpected death can happen in either of the above scenarios, too. An elderly person may be quite healthy, and die from an injury or sudden onset of a fatal condition. A person diagnosed with a terminal illness may die abruptly from complications or from a sudden event unrelated to their condition.
When someone dies suddenly we often struggle with grief that is raw, unpredictable and powerful. Some elements make it harder to cope, including:
The death feels out of the ‘natural order’ of life. Children are not supposed to die. Young people are not supposed to die. Sometimes, one partner is not expected to die before the other. It can make it hard to adapt when we feel that death is not “supposed to” happen at this time.
We have no chance to say goodbye or have a sense of conclusion to the relationship. We may have thought we had plenty of time to heal old wounds, to make up for neglect or take care of business with the person who died. It can be difficult to accept these missed opportunities, and they can bring a sense of guilt and regret.
The death may be violent, potentially painful and causing significant physical trauma. We can be left with terrible images. Whether we see the damage to our loved one or not, the human mind has a great capacity to imagine, and we can review the circumstances and the harm over and over again in our grieving mind.
We may worry that our loved one did not experience dignity in the circumstances of their death. We feel that the death is completely out of our control, and we may feel like we failed our loved one in some way due to their experience or the circumstances.
When someone you love has died suddenly and unexpectedly, it may feel quite different than any other type of loss you have experienced. Try to keep these factors in mind, and be gentle with yourself as you adapt to this sudden change in your life and adjust to their absence.
Forgiveness at the End of a Life
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Forgiveness at the End of a Life
One of the most difficult things about death can be the experience of unresolved conflict. When we’ve had a turbulent relationship with the person we are grieving for, it can really complicate our feelings. Forgiveness is a good goal, but it can be hard to navigate.
When a Person is Dying
It may be that a person who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and is moving toward the end of life wants to tend to unfinished business. They may feel remorse, or have a strong desire to make amends and set things right. If this is the case, it may be that you welcome their overtures and feel ready to forgive them.
If you don’t feel ready, you are not obligated to forgive. Some damage is deep, with far-reaching consequences. Your healing will not necessarily happen on a timeline that works with the time that is left to the dying person who seeks forgiveness.
Alternately, it may be that you want to forgive their actions and look for opportunities to mend the rifts but they continue whatever attitude and behaviour caused the wounds you feel. It’s important to know that some people do not seek to redeem themselves in response to impending death. That is not your fault and you can’t control it. You can still do the work of releasing yourself from the cycle that has harmed you.
When a Person has Died
When someone dies suddenly, there may be no opportunity for conversations or actions that might have happened to help heal emotional wounds in a relationship. You’re left with unsettled feelings that may include anger, guilt, regret and shame, with no way to address them directly with the person.
Finding Forgiveness
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Mark Twain
It may be helpful to remember that forgiveness is for you. It is a personal process of releasing the pain of past wrongs against you. Forgiveness can happen whether or not the other person shows regrets or tries to make up for past wrongs.
Acknowledge your pain.
Accept it as your response to the other person, and allow yourself to feel the wound.
Seek some understanding of their motivation. What led them to those hurtful attitudes and behaviours?
Consider the possibility that they were doing the best that they could, even if their best was not very good and may have caused you to feel quite hurt.
Release yourself from the pain.
Give yourself permission to forgive them.
When you are ready, forgiveness is a great gift that you give to yourself.
Losing a Lifelong Family Friend
Written by Arielle Astroff
January 18th, 2020 is a day I will never forget. A day that changed my life, and the lives of many, forever. This was the day that my neighbour and family friend of twenty years unexpectedly passed away.
On that winter day, he and my dad were shovelling snow together when he collapsed on his front steps. My dad ran to call an ambulance, while my sister and his wife came out and began CPR, but it was too late. We found out later that he had a massive heart attack. This was something nobody had seen coming. My neighbour was a man in his early fifties with a very happy family life, and he always seemed to be healthy. Never in a million years did we think this would happen to him.
This death is painful to me for more reasons than I can name. He was such a caring person, and his two daughters are the same age as me and my sister. It’s also very difficult for me to process the fact that my dad was the last person to ever speak to him and see him alive.
What helps me cope with this loss is supporting my neighbour’s wife and daughters by doing small, thoughtful gestures for them. As much as I am hurt by what happened, I know it has hurt them so much more. I can’t even fathom the grieving they are going through. Supporting them any way I can is the least I can do to help them get through this difficult time.
Nothing will ever take away the hurt of this loss, but knowing that I can put a smile on their faces during these difficult times makes me feel like I am helping them heal, which in turn is helping me heal as well.