Posts by Grief Stories
Valmy – My story of loss
Valmy – My story of loss
Valmy talks but the death of her uncle
Gratitude and Grief
Mary E. Schulz is a Social Worker and writer who loves dogs, opera and stories that take her
breath away.
I call them “ambushes”. I am going about my day – tidying up the living room, doing some cooking or driving the car, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I am brought to my knees by grief. It can be quite cruel, especially when I think I am doing ok. That today is not too bad. Then, boom! Something happens and I feel like my heart is going to stop beating from grief.
I used to feel angry and resentful when these ambushes happened. How unfair! Just when I am feeling a little bit proud of myself for getting through today in one piece and maybe even accomplishing something, I am side-swiped by grief.
What brings these ambushes on? It can be anything and is usually something so small that I don’t even realize it is there until it hits me. For me, it is something that reminds me of my husband, who died. It happens when I am rummaging through the junk drawer in the kitchen and I come across a scrap of paper with his handwriting on it. Or when I am cooking and a piece of music comes on the radio that we used to dance to in our kitchen. I now understand what the term “a broken heart” really means because it feels like my heart breaks into a million pieces all over again when these ambushes happen.
I have learned not to fight back when grief jumps out at me like this. I try to stop what I am doing for a minute, pull over if I have to when I am driving, and let my grief wash over me. Cry if I feel like it. I try not to talk myself out of my sadness but just let it come and be. Gentle and quiet. I let images come and go in my mind – what it felt like to be with my husband when we heard that music or how much I miss finding a note from him when he went out unexpectedly.
I have always been very grateful for all the many blessings I have had in my life, so I used to think it was ungrateful of me to feel grief. After all, I consider myself a very lucky woman to have shared such a wonderful life with my husband. So many people don’t have half of what I had, no matter how long they live. How can I allow myself to feel sad when I have had so much? I tell myself to pull up my socks and be grateful for what we had.
I am learning that grief and gratitude can go hand-in-hand and co-exist. I will never stop missing my husband. How could I? But at the same time, I am so grateful for every minute we shared together. After all, isn’t that what love is all about?
With time, these ambushes are less frequent. And when they do happen now, I find myself smiling at the memories almost as often as I cry.
Grief is Not the Enemy
Mary E. Schulz is a Social Worker and writer who loves dogs, opera and stories that take her
breath away.
When I was younger, before anyone close to me had died, I thought that grief was something to
be beaten. Conquered. Overcome. That grief is the enemy. I would hear people say things like,
“She needs to get over it soon. It’s been two years since so-and-so died.”
I have always thought of myself as a strong person. I have been very blessed in my life and have
not experienced a lot of hardships. Sure, I have had to work hard for the things that have
mattered most to me but when difficulties came my way, which they eventually do to
everyone, I was always able to manage – with the help of family and friends around me.
Until I experienced the death of my husband. That changed everything.
My husband and I enjoyed a long and very happy life together. We were not only partners in
life but best friends as well. So, when I started to realize that he was never coming back, to
really understand the finality of his death, I put on my armour and prepared to do battle. Grief
was not going to beat me! I needed to pull myself together, find lots of things to do in order to
get my mind off how sad and heartbroken I was and get on with figuring out my different life.
For me, this was absolutely the wrong approach. I had never before experienced anything as
devastating as the death of my husband so why would my usual ways of coping work? Well,
they didn’t.
I learned that grief is not the enemy. Grief is not the bad guy I needed to kick out of my life. I
learned that grief is love. Sounds so obvious now but it took me a while to really understand
that. You only grieve people you love. Grief was the flip side of all that love.
So, I did something that may sound kind of silly. I decided to invite grief in. To open the door
and let it in. Not fight it, push the door shut and try to keep it forever outside. I said to my grief
(often out loud), “Come on in. You are obviously going to be with me for a long, long time so we
may as well get acquainted.”
I saw myself pulling up a chair and saying to my grief, “Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable.
Let’s get to know each other.”
And so it began – my new relationship with grief. I see it now as my constant companion. Some
days it is not as obvious as other days but it is always there, walking beside me, sitting at the
dining room table when I eat my meals, or quietly holding my hand when I listen to music. It is
part of me now. I tell my grief how much it hurts. I tell my grief how I wouldn’t trade one day of
my life with my husband even if it meant never feeling grief again. We are becoming a comfort
to one another.
I am learning to live with longing.
Logan – My story
Logan – My story
Logan talks about the death of his father and bone cancer and how writing music helped
Logan – Advice
Logan – Advice
Logan discusses how its good tp let out your emotions
Logan – Songwriting and grief
Logan – Songwriting and grief
Logan explains how a song about his father helped
Broken Heart Syndrome
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Broken Heart Syndrome
You may have heard the expression that someone “died of a broken heart”. If you’re grieving a deep and painful loss, you may feel as if your own heart is breaking. If you’re grieving deeply, you may be at risk of experiencing this syndrome yourself.
Broken Heart Syndrome is a real diagnosis of a temporary heart condition that can be brought on by stressful situations and extreme emotions. You can read more information about it here:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/
When we are grieving, we feel deep emotional pain. That pain is translated in the body. We carry it in tension that contracts our muscles, reducing our mobility and causing pain. We may suffer headaches, breathing difficulties or digestive disturbances related to our emotional experience.
Research on pain tells us that emotional pain lights up the same centres in the brain that are activated by physical pain. When we hurt, our brain doesn’t distinguish between physical causes and emotional causes. Pain is pain, so our systems responds accordingly.
When we are grieving, we are also less likely to be taking care of our health. We may undereat or overeat in our distress. We often struggle to move through daily activities. Sleep disturbances are commonly reported by people who are grieving. All of these difficulties that are common symptoms of grief can also affect our heart health, making us more vulnerable to broken heart syndrome.
The human system is complex. Our brain, nervous system, muscular structure, organs and skeleton work together in miraculous patterns to keep us alive. Grief is a powerful force that can interrupt our usual functioning.
We tend to dismiss grief at times. We sometimes get caught up in the message that we should just get over it. We might minimize our symptoms and try to push our grief down and away from us so we don’t have to deal with it. It’s important to recognize that trying to avoid grief often causes us more difficulty in the long run.
Be aware of the real condition of broken heart syndrome. Be mindful that as painful as your grief is, ignoring it can cause even more difficulties. Be gentle with yourself and take good care of your emotional, spiritual and physical self as you work through your experience of grief. Your heart is tender and vulnerable at this time, and you’re worthy of tender care to prevent the experience of Broken Heart Syndrome.
Practical Possibilities for Mourning in a Pandemic
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Practical Possibilities for Mourning in a Pandemic
When someone we care about dies, we have a natural reaction of grief. During a pandemic, many restrictions and precautions we are living with to help prevent the spread of virus can interfere with the ways we are used to coping with the experience of grief. Here are some strategies that can help:
Hold a small, personal gathering and share it with live-streaming. You can use Facebook or Instagram Live to share your ceremony with people who might want to observe it since they can’t participate in person, thus ensuring that anyone who loved the person can honour their passing.
Hold an interactive virtual gathering to celebrate the person’s life. Just about everyone can Zoom these days, and in a virtual meeting you can join in and take turns telling stories about the person who died, or play music and remember together in a more personal and interactive way than by live-streaming a small ceremony.
Create a slideshow using photographs and music. You can tell the story of the person’s life using photos through the years and with music they loved, or you can make a tribute to the things that were important to them or about them in their last years of life.
Create a memory book either using a scrapbook, or an on-line photo-book service. Again, you can show their life over time, or create small personalized books that show their relationship with you, or with other special people in their life.
Dedicate a space in the house to the person who died. It could be a shelf or a corner table. Place their picture there, and maybe a candle or something that reminds you of them. Spend some time in this spot when you want to feel close to the person.
Dedicate a time each day to grieving. You may find that by setting aside particular times of the day or week to miss and mourn the person who died, your grief becomes less intrusive as you go about the tasks of your everyday life.
Bring out their favourites. Watching their favourite movie, playing their favourite songs and eating their favourite foods can bring back positive memories. Wearing their favourite robe or sweater can help them feel close.
Find your own favourites. Choose a movie, music or other sensory experience that reminds you of them in a way that you find soothing. Sometimes it can be too hard to revisit their favourites but it can be comforting to choose your own.
Make art in their memory. Paint or draw a picture. Write a poem or story. Write a song or choreograph a dance. Create a sculpture or needlework. Art helps us express powerful feelings in a wide variety of ways and can help us heal.
Take care of yourself. Be gentle and do the things that bring you comfort and ease. Maybe a long hike. A hot shower or bubble bath. Cuddling up on the couch with a cup of tea and a good book. By giving yourself calming, pleasant sensory experiences you give your heart time to heal.
Losing a Lifelong Family Friend
Written by Arielle Astroff
January 18th, 2020 is a day I will never forget. A day that changed my life, and the lives of many, forever. This was the day that my neighbour and family friend of twenty years unexpectedly passed away.
On that winter day, he and my dad were shovelling snow together when he collapsed on his front steps. My dad ran to call an ambulance, while my sister and his wife came out and began CPR, but it was too late. We found out later that he had a massive heart attack. This was something nobody had seen coming. My neighbour was a man in his early fifties with a very happy family life, and he always seemed to be healthy. Never in a million years did we think this would happen to him.
This death is painful to me for more reasons than I can name. He was such a caring person, and his two daughters are the same age as me and my sister. It’s also very difficult for me to process the fact that my dad was the last person to ever speak to him and see him alive.
What helps me cope with this loss is supporting my neighbour’s wife and daughters by doing small, thoughtful gestures for them. As much as I am hurt by what happened, I know it has hurt them so much more. I can’t even fathom the grieving they are going through. Supporting them any way I can is the least I can do to help them get through this difficult time.
Nothing will ever take away the hurt of this loss, but knowing that I can put a smile on their faces during these difficult times makes me feel like I am helping them heal, which in turn is helping me heal as well.
Cale – Grief/music and his community
Cale – Grief/music and his community
Cale discusses musicallity, community and grief.
Cale – Music is my net
Cale – Music is my net
Cale talks about his background, music and how music helps him express and process grief
Cale – Advice for writing music about grief
Cale – Advice for writing music about grief
Cale discussses the relationship between your art and how you feel